Nooneknows



The Doonhameria Times, October 23rd, 1937 (The Clown Speaks)

Spoken through the third perspective during this interview:

Interviewer: Your name?

Nooneknows: I don’t have one. No one pays attention to me..

Interviewer: I get that the whole clown masquery is your stick but tell me and our dear readers, where did you come from? From the sewers or the Aftermath of the great war and what are your plans for the future?

Nooneknows: Listen friend, you are just trying to do your job, but your boring me with these out of world questions, besides WHO READS papers after all these years, it's the new dawn of the century and you are left in the dust, a page in the history of a by-gone ERA, no one is seriously going to read this anyways so why bother? Coupled with the fact that your part of the press who in fact are in bed with Snakey..or the Communists..Tell me why do you always lie to seek attention?

Interviewer: That’s enough Noone, if you continue to act in this behover i will call the authorities to arrest you on charges of disturbance of peace, Intolerance and radical behavior and what have you been doing in that little lab of yours, you sick manic..

Nooneknows: Oh please, i'm only kidding, after all you are the most trusted news source in this nation, so I do apologize for my behavior..

Interviewer: We will see, so how did you come to Doonhameria?

Nooneknows: Well, I was with a man so long ago in the United States who was obsessed with cats! and pens for some odd reason but he was a charming fellow who had a lure to him, he and I along with many others supported Huey long, or the Kingfish as his nickname..but then 1932 rolled around and Huey was gone… shot right in front of the capitol building, bleeding relentlessly and 30 hours later or more the dream..was gone, Now I was considering to sally up and move to Italy and if i felt adventurous, travel to Germany but i bet i will denied straight at the Airport once they saw my disfigurement..a combined resulting factor of Shell-shocked, Bullet wounds and for shits and giggles, a tad bit of Chlorine gas… or was it mustard? I can’t remember..

Interviewer: Wait, So to clarify what you said, you came from the United States originally, with a bloke who a fetish for Cats and Pens, then claiming you fought in the Great War and being afflicted with supposed “shell-shocked” and been to exposed Gas warfare poisoning, then survived and appear just fine expect looking like a bloody clown.

Nooneknows: You do take the fun out of everything, don’t you?

Interviewer: YOU are not answering the questions mate, YOUR NOT EVEN SCOTISH, and to top it all off, you speak in a weird mannerisms and phrases as if we are supposed to connect to that in a symbolic way and!

Nooneknows: Are you done? Because we are off track..

Interviewer: Fine, How did you meet Atomic?

Nooneknows: If you want the answer, go speak with him,

Interviewer: Answer the bloody question Clown…

Nooneknows: No need to get angry with me, or speak to me in that tone, Treating me as a child here! Or a criminal with me linking to that whole Glasgow shin-dig, it was a work of art that you will never understand..

Interviewer: Wait, you were involved with that? But that Interferes with your story and...your beating me around the bush again are you? Trying to hoist yourself to be part of tragic events but in actuality, you commit nothing to the cause..

Nooneknows: ANYWAYS, I first heard about him in Bristol and his moves of advancement within the council and his mission for Doonhameria, I was impressed by that and wanted to see him succeed. I won't go into specifics, but let's just say..he saved me..he gave me purpose..meaning within the Order..I place i could belong..and in fact..a family...I may not always be there and i had not filled my commitments to the party, but I will be or try at least..be his right hand man.. To be Loyal and march forward..

Interviewer: You do honestly do sound that of a boot-licker but i can’t judge..this is not an opinion piece, next question: What are your thoughts on Doonhamer?

Nooneknows: You mean Doonmanuel the third? His most perfect majesty..god save the protector of our coast? ...I like him..incompent sure, but aren't we all? He will make a fine addition within the Party as soon he accepts his new placement within the reborn nation of course, perhaps as a figurehead..but not in a position of power, that is reserved for someone..with better qualifications, but overall, he can stay..for now.. next question!

Interviewer: What are your thoughts on the Kugel, Or what you been doing in the last few days?

Nooneknows: Next Question…

Interviewer: Who is Dave? and Why is he never mentioned?

Nooneknows: Alright, Dave is/was is sort of.. an enigma..like ME! And I have contact with him occasionally. Kugel wants him dead, I'm not surprised because he will "somehow" threaten her rise to power, the little twat, and just the other day, called me a traitor and demanded my removal from the party, while herself supports the old man..

Interviewer: Didn't you support him?

Nooneknows: THATS NOT THE POINT, we fought for our freedom from London and the King, Not to then be under subjugation from the buffoon and his wiser father. Dave brings something to the table that no one elses does, a solution to all of Doonhameria problems and wipes the state clean, But he is the last option.. to a bad situation, he will be called upon when the time is right, where betrayal is inevitable..

Interviewer: Right..Ok, lets move on to the next question shall we?

Nooneknows: Proceed Paperboy, "She's" already as eyes and ears everywhere and who knows probably planning my death or exile to Liberia, I hope its the ladder...

Interviewer: Ok what are your plans for Doonhameria?

Nooneknows: There is no “plan”  but only a vision, not a dream because if this was a dream..we will all still be asleep but a vision that will take us to a better future, a future where everybody is happy and satisfied with their daily lives, living out there lives peaceful and no chaos..no dissidence..no confusion..only loyalty to the preservation of Doonhameria and the beacon for mankind and the future.. Of our salvation and protection against those who wish to place us under the thumb, and them, to continue or start pointless wars, to fuel the greedy capitalists who stitch there pockets longer and deeper while they supply arms, ammo and men who only want to perform there service to their nations as defense, not aggression and that twisted family with the red shield, and on the other hand we have incompent reds who don’t know what they are fighting for, reading that old buffoon red book who himself was better off then those he claim he was fighting for and the unspoken deaths he set off because he wanted those from the bottom to rise against the natural order, there is a blur but fine line between individuality and security. They must work together, one cannot be over the other, yet be left out, or it will lead to unknown suffering. The people, the Order and the Nation, will take our future and decide our own future, our own scotland!, our own destiny! Or died trying, and even then if we become martyrs..it will inspire future generations to rise once more.

Interviewer: Ok, that's about all the time we have left and honestly you left me with more questions than answers.. I hope we do not do this again and that the Doonhameria times sends me someone more interesting and actually provides details than you..

Nooneknows: At least this was better than the first draft. Anyways, I bid you a wonderful morning, afternoon and night and cheers!

End of Article

Authors note: As the time of this paper being published, Our interviewer went missing and recently found in an alleyway in the London Area, he was brutally murder, a smile carved into his face, hands and stomach. The murder left no evidence or clues to who he or she is but it for centained that all links to Nooneknows and his other countless supposed linked murder victums who’s only link is oppostion to the Order Party. The Leader of the Party,  Atomic officially came out with a statement denying any movement committed by Nooneknows and the other members and accused the press of deeming and outright painting whole narratives of the Order being monsters and the demons of Doonhamerian Politics and showed clear bias during the No One Knows interview. We ask then Nooneknows involement of the murder and i quote: If it’s a crime to love a nation, i pled Guilty, and ifs a crime to remove those who wish to futher the “downfall” of our great nation I plee guilty as well, and ifs a crime to stand and march foward to our potietnal destiny, damn it all I plee guilty, God save the Party, God save Doonhameria.

End of Quote.